When Is The Right Time To Have The Exclusivity Talk?

Estimated reading time: 14 minutes

Hi Doc,

I (cis/het male, 33 years old) recently met a wonderful woman on Hinge. I took her for dinner and dancing, and we had a fantastic time. She never danced before, and I led her for the whole night. We had a make out session in the parking lot after. We had our second date 10 days later (she works night shifts and some weekends). I took her rock climbing and dinner and again it was great. We have lots to talk about, a lot in common, our careers are similar, we both do not want to have children. And we had another make out session at the end and scheduled our 3rd date (her Pilates class) 11 days after (again schedule makes it hard to see each other more often).

I’m really into her. I get a great feeling when I’m with her, we laugh, she loves the things I do and she’s new to the area post-residency and wants to learn how to enjoy life again. I’m wondering when I should broach the subject of exclusivity. I’ve been on dates with a few women in between my dates with her, but I keep thinking I want more of her instead of dates with others.

Having read one of your other articles on this subject, I don’t think I should spring this on her on our next date coming up. Should I follow up with her after and just ask if she wants to talk about where we’re at and where she could see us going, so as to not put pressure on her? I keep thinking that 3 dates isn’t a lot, but since her schedule makes it very hard to see her more often, I feel like I may run into a “he who hesitates is lost” situation. I’ve been on a lot of dates but haven’t been in a relationship before, but I feel like she’s someone I would like to be with.

I want/care about exclusivity and she seems the same way. I think this is where I have to bite the bullet and ask for what I want. Do you agree?

Too Much Too Soon Too Fast?

I’ve written about having that “defining the relationship” talk before I’m of the general opinion that the timing of the talk is more about vibes than a hard and fast rule.

I do have some guidelines and milestones that I recommend people take into consideration (how often you see each other, how often you’re talking outside of dates and date planning, etc.) and so on, but there isn’t going to be a universal rule that fits every couple. Some folks decide they’re exclusive almost immediately, some take months before they put a label on things; in some cases, it works out. In others, not so much. So, part of it is going to come down to the vibes and the connection you two have.

(Though that having been said: I will say that going exclusive before you’ve sussed out sexual compatibility is a bad idea in general. If you’re going to have an exclusive, sexually monogamous relationship, you need to make sexual compatibility a top priority because sex always wins in the end. A mismatch in an exclusive relationship breeds resentment and resentment is toxic to a relationship’s long-term success.)

As a general rule, I tend to be of the opinion that it’s better to err on the side of taking more time than having the DTR talk too soon. A lot of folks are prone to getting ahead of themselves when it comes to coupling up, and it’s hard to pull back when you realized that maybe you were a little too fast on the draw. It’s a lot easier to say, “I’m not quite ready to discuss being exclusive yet” and move the discussion a bit down the road than it is to say “I know I said I wanted to be with you until the stars go out buuuuuut…” One is saying “I’m not there yet, but I’m on the way”, and the other is saying “oh, I’ve made a huge mistake”.

It’s also a lot easier to scare or unnerve someone by pushing for exclusivity too quickly; many folks see it as a red flag for entirely understandable reasons. And while you (the general “you”, not you specifically, TMTSTF) may know that you’re doing this because you’re head over heels for them, they don’t necessarily know that. There’s a higher probability that moving things too quickly would scare someone off, when giving things a little more time wouldn’t.

However, it’s also important to be sure that you want exclusivity for the right reasons. Understanding your own motivations is important, because, quite frankly, it’ll help make sure you’re not making a mistake that you’re going to rue later.

While the right reasons are fairly obvious, there’re a lot of bad ones that can feel like they’re the right ones, and those can lead to someone jumping the gun. This is why I think it’s important to be aware of what’s moving you and pushing you to make things exclusive. A lot of people – including myself, back in the bad old days – have leapt at going exclusive for reasons that ultimately damaged the relationship or, in some cases, left them stuck in relationships that turned toxic or worse. If they had waited, they might have resolved those problems – and thus headed off trouble before it even started – or recognized that this relationship wasn’t actually a good fit for them, and they were acting more out of fear.  

If, for example, you’re feeling insecure in the relationship, there can be a temptation to “lock things down”, as it were, as quickly as possible. While the desire for a relationship is genuine, but the worry is that if you don’t turn this into an exclusive relationship, they’ll up and leave. The same can happen when you’re not secure in your own value or your own desirability; the feeling of “oh, I need to get this solidified before she changes her mind,” can push people into hasty decisions that they then have the luxury of taking all the time in the world to regret it.

Now in your case specifically… I think I’d start by asking what the rush is. You don’t mention, for example, that she’s starting to make noises about wanting exclusivity – in fact, you say you think she’s on the same page. It’s also not as though you have had multiple dates in rapid succession and spend your free time either talking or spending time together, which is one of the guideposts I mentioned. Now in fairness, her schedule does mean that it can be challenging to find time for each other – hence why I say these are guides, not rules – but I still think that your circumstances aren’t really pushing towards “sooner rather than later”.

But then there’s the bit you add at the end of your letter that gives me pause. You say that you’re worried about a “he who hesitates” situation, and that you haven’t been in a relationship before. This makes me wonder if you’re acting out of a scarcity mindset, where you feel like you have to get this locked in lest you miss out. If that’s part of what’s going on, whether in the forefront of your mind or part of the ANXIETY.exe that’s running in the background, then I would definitely suggest putting this on hold for a moment. You may want to give yourself a minute to take a deep breath and honestly interrogate how you’re feeling – not just about her, but about yourself and about life in general. If this is coming from a place of self-imposed pressure and a feeling of time running out, then you’re running the risk of making a too-hasty call that’s going to lead to a follow-up letter that you don’t want to write.

Since there doesn’t seem to be a time crunch or external pressure – you’re not in the military and about to go off to war, you’re not moving for work, she’s not asking pointed questions like “so, where do you see this relationship going,” I think you would benefit from giving yourself a little breathing room and some honest introspection about what’s motivating you.

Take a little time and project your mind forward; what do you think would happen if you gave it more time and more dates before you scheduled the talk? How does it make you feel? Anxious? Afraid that she’s going to get bored and leave? Or is it genuinely “well, not bad, but when you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start right away…”? Would you feel this way if you knew that you would have the DTR talk next after New Year’s? Or after Valentine’s Day?

Similarly, ask what would change if you did put a label on it. What would be different? Is it that you would feel more secure in your connection with her? Or would having an official “boyfriend/girlfriend/partner” label mean that you were pursuing this with intentionality, rather than just a “see where it goes” kind of outlook?

If it’s just that you feel strongly about this person and you’re excited to be with them, that’s great, but I don’t think it’s going to hurt to give it some time. On the other hand, if you are coming to this from a place of scarcity and insecurity, then you absolutely need to slow your roll. It’s very easy to confuse wanting to make the brain weasels shut up with genuinely wanting to be with someone, and that’s a bad basis for a relationship… even when everything else works well.

But at the end of the day, it’s like I said: it’s far more about the vibes than it is about any hard and fast rule. I’m not the one going on these dates; you are. I’m not the one spending time with her, you are. So you’re going to have to be the one to decide if now is the right time or not.

Just do yourself a favor and make sure that whatever you decide, you’re making that decision with all due consideration and that you understand the why of it, not just the what and when.

Good luck.

Hi Doc!

I feel like I’m sliding towards too cynical about many things these days. I don’t want the same approach with my dating and friendship life. I’m a cisgender, straight, monogamous male in my late 30s. What are green flags to look for in new friends and also in potential romantic partners? I wanna practice being on the lookout for the good stuff! Not just focusing on all the bad stuff they could be doing.

I’ve noticed that always being on guard for red flags has made me quick to find faults and slow to appreciate genuine connection. While I know it’s important to have boundaries and standards, I want to shift my mindset to also recognize and celebrate positive traits in others.

I’m especially interested in those subtle signs that someone might be emotionally mature, authentic, and capable of healthy relationships. What are those quiet indicators that don’t necessarily announce themselves but suggest someone could be a great friend or partner?

I’d also love your thoughts on how to nurture these positive qualities in myself, so I can be the kind of person who attracts and recognizes good people. I’m doing and have done solo and group therapy for years, joined a liberal, atheist-welcoming sorta-church. What else can I do?

Always Look on The Bright Side of Life

I’m glad to hear that you’re being mindful of how much cynicism and skepticism is affecting you, ALBSL. Being a cynic or a doomer is incredibly easy… literally. We all have an inherent negativity bias that leads to our giving negative experiences, memories and feelings greater weight than positive ones. It’s a survival instinct from the days when not recognizing negative patterns meant the difference from eating fresh fruit and go-to-sleep-forever berries or which sounds mean dinner, and which sounds mean you’re about to be dinner. All of which is great for survival, but less so for happiness and satisfaction, or for having a fulfilling social life.

So being on the lookout for green flags as well as red flags is important. It doesn’t do you any good to always be on the lookout for danger when it ultimately leaves you miserable and isolated.

Now in terms of what to look for when you’re looking for potential friends or partners? Well, some things are obvious: shared interests and values, compatible lifestyles and senses of humor and the like. But some things can be a little quieter and harder to see right off the bat, but can make a big difference in terms of whether they’d be a good person to have in your life.

One important green flag would be how they treat other people. Do they show interest in others? Are they understanding and curious, or are they closed off and withdrawn? Are they warm and welcoming? How do they make other people feel? Are they inclusive and bring others in, or do they gatekeep and keep people out? Do they want to share their passions and excitement? Are they interested in seeing the things that make you excited, checking out the things that you’re passionate about? And if they don’t understand or care for it, are they respectful or snobbish? Do they at least make an effort to understand why you love something, even if they don’t grok it? And do they understand it if you don’t necessarily love something they don’t?

In particular, how do they behave with people when those people don’t have something that they want or who are in a subservient position to them. It’s easy to be sweet and generous to people who have something you want or whose good will would give you some advantage or opportunity. It’s different when dealing with people who offer you very little, if anything. How do they treat the waitstaff or service industry people? How do they behave around people they don’t necessarily like? Hell, how do they behave around people they actively dislike? Are they polite and considerate? Are they generous and friendly? Aloof and distant? Disdainful?

By that same token, I’d suggest that one of the biggest tells is how they deal with frustrated or thwarted desire. What’s their reaction when someone tells them “No”, especially for something they really want? Do they take it in stride and with good grace? Can they accept and respect people’s boundaries, even if they don’t necessarily understand or agree? If they’re disappointed, how do they handle it? Do they argue? Try to persuade or pressure them to change their mind? How do they respond when things go wrong – when the waiter gets their order wrong again, the rental agency has lost their reservation, their flight got canceled while they were at the airport or traffic is making them late? How people respond when they don’t get what they want tells you a lot about them.

On the other side of things: how are they with other people when others want something from them? Do they have firm boundaries and are those boundaries reasonable from your perspective? Are they a people pleaser who’s afraid to say no? Are they someone who refuses to do anything that isn’t exactly what they want or how they want it? Having good boundaries makes for good relationships for everyone involved.

You should also be mindful of how they behave to you and how you feel when you’re with them… but also when you’re not there. Do they make you feel respected, or like you’re the entertainment? Are they generally responsive and receptive to wanting to see you and spend time with you, or do you feel like you have to pull teeth to get their attention at all? And not just in the sense of “we’re adults with responsibilities and lives that make it hard to get together” but in the sense that you have to dance and shout and wave your arms to get them to remember that you’re there.

Do they give of themselves, and how freely? How do they receive, too? Are they someone who can accept the love and friendship of others, or do they refuse to believe that other people might find them worthwhile? Do they think they can only be liked if they’re of use to others, or do they understand their own intrinsic worth? Do they respect yours?

These are important questions to ask about yourself as well. We tend to attract others who are like us, just as we like others who are similar to us. So many times, part of finding new and better friends means that we need to be the friend or partner we would like to have. So consider those parts of yourself and work on the areas where you feel like you may be lacking. Being the best, most polished version of yourself – even if it’s still aspirational at the moment – is a good way to help find the people who will match your energy and be on your level. And if you’re not on their level yet… well, now you have something to motivate you to get there.

Good luck.