.png)
1 month ago
37
Estimated reading time: 17 minutes
Hi Dr. NerdLove.
I’ve been an enormous fan of yours for a while. From my perspective, your works (online dating books in particular) make it easier to navigate the material barriers to say the technologically not savvy. I bring up barriers for a specific reason, as you shall read.
I met a woman at my best friend’s wedding. It’s his step-sister and we felt a connection pretty quickly. After giving me her number, three weeks passed and we went on an introductory date which by all accounts was great. So the thing is, she is a mother, a divorcee with two kids and has a female roommate who helps with everything!
In my brief experience with one-and-two week flings in college, I have not had a chance to date a single parent before in any capacity. On one hand, it feels objectively logical as I consider myself a somewhat emotionally mature person. My own family comes from part of the complication of divorce, step-parents, my grandfather working 6 months up in the arctic to send money back home to the kids (that’s Canada in the 60’s for you).
The key point is, without judging anyone divorced, my grandparents’ relationships and relationship mistakes made my father and mother’s relationship emotionally healthier. Not saying that divorce and big families are NOT healthy, but the challenges of big families of dirt poor country folk, those challenges lead my own parents to make different decisions for my family that allowed us to develop a radical closeness and transparency that lead to my own self perceived emotional maturity and intelligence. Needless to say, I’m friends with my parents – so why can’t I be a friend to a parent in my age group?
Well it’s one thing to have an experience and understand another person’s experience. So, I absolutely first of all respect that as this is a new relationship, I come second to this new person’s children. That is tantamount to my values and frankly, if she dropped everything to see me all the time, I would be very suspicious, especially since we just met each other.
Now that being said, we set up a time to have a voice call and the call never happened and it was about a week and a half before she finally got back to me. I started to feel anxious because, you know, meet someone and there is suddenly silence. I was preparing for rejection, but in the back of my mind, given that it’s November and kids are germ bags, I figured “Well hold on, maybe something is up.”
Frankly, when I started to go down the road of what ifs, I thought to myself what if something catastrophic happened – but this is not to find a problem, it’s to assert in my anxiety that if something did happen – I can’t expect her to get back to me right away. I just want to make clear, I did not actually believe it, it’s just a way to shut up the “what if it’s me?” part of my brain.
So while I feel I have a handle on how to emotionally accept I’m second banana, I’m still going to face new challenges dating someone divorced with kids. Whether that be an ex-partner who makes life challenging for this person I’m seeing, the demands of raising children, limited time for dates or dates abruptly ending, or a different pace of intimacy, I’m curious as someone with little experience, what can I expect dating a single parent.
Appreciate the love.
First Time Mother Lover
OK, right off the bat, FTML: accept that you know very little on the topic and that what you think you know isn’t necessarily going to apply. Your closeness and relationship to your parents – whom are in a significantly different stage of life – isn’t going to translate to practical or functional knowledge about connecting with a peer who happens to also be a parent. The foundational relationship is going to be profoundly different, and those credits just aren’t going to transfer. Recognizing that and not making a bunch of assumptions about what you can expect will make everything flow a lot more smoothly.
There’re two major branches of challenges when it comes to dating a single parent, FTML. The first is logistical; having kids means that they’re going to be the higher priority, which also means that your options for planning dates or seeing your sweetie are going to be contingent on what free time she has, what arrangements she can make and how much energy she may have.
It also means that your plans are going to vary wildly based around factors that are outside of anybody’s control. Kids, especially young children, are chaos magnets and there is no way to meaningfully anticipate or prepare for all the ways that they could detonate your plans or dates.
The second challenge is to remember that, while yes, they may be a single parent, they’re still an individual. They’re an individual with a child or children, yes, but they’re a person, same as anyone else. Parent modifies person, it doesn’t transform them into an entirely different beast.
I mention this because people can overcomplicate otherwise fairly straightforward situations, especially if they’re young and/or haven’t had a lot of dating experience themselves. It’s very easy to get lost in the what-ifs of it all or the anxiety about “what it all means”, or what your potential partner wants or is looking for. There’re a lot of folks who worry that dating a single parent, especially if that parent has primary custody, means that they’re signing up for more than just, y’know, dating someone. There’s a common fear, especially when dating single mothers, that they’re looking for a new father, or that they’re going to be single-minded in looking for someone who’s ready to settle down right now.
Most of the time, this isn’t a factor, especially in the early days. Most single parents who are on the dating market aren’t looking for someone to help raise their kids or be an ATM with legs. More often than not, they’re just like everyone else – they want to go out, socialize and have a good time. Some folks are going to be looking for something committed and long-term, others are looking for something fun but not serious… just like people who don’t have children. And, quite honestly, the people who are interested in a committed relationship are more likely to want to take things at a measured pace before even hitting milestones like “introducing the new beau to their children”.
(For some, this also tends to bring up questions of “well, what if I want children of my own” or feelings about “raising someone else’s kids”, and the occasional “but if we get married, is she’s going to be open to having children with me” and it’s close cousin “…and will I favor my biological child over my stepchild?”, but this is also beside the point for you.)
With this in mind, I think you may be looking a little too far down the line from where you currently are with this woman. I can appreciate wanting to be ready for potential problems, but I think you should slow your roll a bit. If you’re too focused on what comes up down the line, you’re going to end up borrowing trouble from the future and missing out on things now… including more relevant, more pressing issues.
After all, these are early days, and I think that focusing on anything more than “I like her, does she like me” is putting the cart before the horse. You’ve had precisely one (1) date so far. I can appreciate wanting to game things out and to try to anticipate as many possible conflicts as you can, but frankly, you’re over your skis on this. Most of the challenges you’re likely to face when dating a single parent are things that are much further down the relationship track, and you’re not even on a second date yet.
I think the biggest thing for you is to focus on getting to know this woman as a person, with an emphasis on “are we even compatible?”, without getting too hung up on the ‘single parent’ label. You don’t know each other well enough to know her favorite drink, never mind what it would mean to have a relationship with someone who has two kids. The biggest hurdle you’re facing currently is that any relationship with her, platonic or romantic, is going to necessitate more flexibility and a higher level of tolerance for sudden last-minute emergencies, rain checks and reschedules than on average. As I said: kids generate chaos and Murphy’s Law shall be the whole of the Law – whatever can go wrong probably will. Babysitters won’t be available, the kids get sick, there’re issues with school, extracurriculars, sleep-overs, etc. that will likely blow a massive whole in even the most anticipated or best-laid plans.
You’ve already gotten a taste of how plans can go haywire when she missed the call you all had planned. You can expect to have more experiences like that going forward, simply because, well, kids. If that’s not something you’re able to handle, or that’s going to trigger anxiety weasels, then this likely isn’t going to be a good match for you. And to be clear: it’s fine if that’s the case. That doesn’t mean that you’ve done something wrong or that you’re insufficiently patient or mature; it just means that this is a price-of-entry that would be more than you would be willing to pay. And that is completely fair. You’re allowed to say that this would be a dealbreaker for you, even if it’s completely understandable.
It’s also important to note that while her children will dictate her availability, that doesn’t mean that you’re necessarily “second banana” or otherwise unimportant… or at least that you won’t be as this relationship grows and deepens. Having to give her kids priority in her scheduling or considering them when she considers choices in her life doesn’t mean that you’re lesser – which you kind of imply in your phrasing.
I know that it seems sensible to go in with that attitude, but it also runs the risk of presuming to know her mind better than she does. Just because the kids may blow holes in your plans doesn’t mean that she doesn’t care, or that you aren’t a priority. It means that she’s in a position where the responsibility to her kids has to take priority, regardless of how she may feel about it. That’s something that will be less of an issue as the kids get older and have more independence, but that doesn’t take away from how she feels (or rather, would feel) for you.
Look at it this way: if you have to cancel a vacation because of a family issue, that doesn’t mean that the vacation was playing “second banana”. It means that some things take precedent over others, especially when you have a responsibility for them. Don’t presume to know how she feels based on whether she has children or not; that way lies all sorts of mistakes.
Which actually brings me to my next point. There’s trying to be accommodating and then there’s turning yourself into a doormat for no good reason, and I think that’s a bigger issue for you right now.
See, you have run into an issue that I think warrants proceeding with caution – both in terms of her behavior, but also possibly your giving too much leeway over her being a single parent. And that’s her having apparently ghosted you on that planned call. In and of itself, that’s not that big of a deal. Or at least it wouldn’t be, if there hadn’t been such a gap between when you were supposed to hear from her and when you did.
If I’m being honest, the fact that it took her a week and change to get back to you is more concerning than any potential pitfalls from being a single parent. It speaks more to how things are now, rather than what might happen in the future. Having to cancel or change plans last minute is one thing; a complete no-show and not even so much as a “whoops, sorry…” is another. I know how quickly shit can go sideways, but one would think a quick text saying “hey, things came up, reschedule?” wouldn’t be out of the question. Even allowing for the most generous reading, that still strikes me as being inconsiderate on her part.
At the same time, there’s understanding that kids blow holes in plans and schedules, and being so understanding that you don’t even say “um, thought we had a call scheduled, everything ok?” I think a text to say “hey, what’s going on?” was warranted. You are allowed to point out that you had made plans and she just breezed by them without a word or backwards glance. Yes, her time is often limited and you’re not necessarily going to be her top priority, but that doesn’t mean that you’ve given up the right to advocate for yourself, either… even if it’s just to say “hey, haven’t heard from you, what’s up?”
On the other hand, however, you don’t mention whether you reached out to her and got radio silence, or if you just decided to sit back until she got in touch with you, first. If you just decided to wait to hear from her, then you may have made things a little more fraught. Not hearing from you for a week and a half could well have made her wonder whether you were interested. If she realized that she completely flaked on calling you, but then realized she hadn’t heard from you since? I think she’d be justified in questioning how you felt about her.
So while I appreciate you might want to be understanding and wanting to go with the flow, it’s possible to err so far in trying to be reasonable and considerate that you end up causing more problems than you would have if you just said “um, hey, about that…”
So the TL;DR of it is: don’t worry about the “single mom” label until it’s more than just an issue about availability and logistics. Your relationship isn’t there yet and likely won’t be for a while. At the same time, don’t forget that you also have needs and you are allowed to advocate for those needs. And don’t presume to know her mind – and don’t act on those presumptions – just because she has kids. That way leads to taking actions that may not be warranted based on incomplete or mistaken beliefs, rather than how she actually thinks or feels.
Otherwise, take your time, get to know her and focus on the here and now. There will be time to focus on a future that’s further away than the next couple of weekends… but that time is not now.
Good luck.
Hey Doc,
I’m impressed with the amount of nuance and content you can get from even the most anxious and overthinky emails. Today though, I need your help with something: how do I let someone go?
I had been interested someone who helped me make an emotional breakthrough when it came to dating; unfortunately, she isn’t interested in me and I’m not much interested in her anymore to be honest.
However, I’m having trouble moving on. My heart still flutters when I hear her voice or see her. I sent her a text basically saying “no hard feelings, just fine with being coworkers” and I want to leave it at that whether she answers or not. But it’s hard. I’ve made a lot of progress this year and I intend to keep it going. There’s this cute bartender at the tavern I go to and I intend to get to know her. But I need to let this woman go first.
I want to move on. I want to see someone who actually loves me and cares about me and have a fulfilling relationship with. Not be some orbiter for someone who isn’t that into me in the first place.
How do I let go Doc? How do I move forward?
Make Like Elsa
Hold up, MLE. Let’s leave the “how do I let go and move on” aside for a second because you have a pretty significant contradiction in your letter right at the jump. I mean, it’s kinda hard to square “I’m not much interested in her, to be honest” and “My heart still flutters when I hear her voice or see her.” Call me crazy, but that doesn’t exactly sound like “I’m not that interested in her, either”. The conflict between those two statements makes me wonder if you’re actually less interested in pursuing something with her or if you’re trying to convince someone that you are. And I’m not sure if you’re trying to convince me, her or you.
Now, functionally speaking, my advice is going to be the same: it’s going to take time, it’s going to require that you accept that this just didn’t work and that’s ok, and there’s going to be a period of acknowledging that you feel a little sad or disappointed that things didn’t work. You’ll want to make sure that you don’t wallow, and it’ll be good to stay busy and stay social, especially if you’re prone to over-thinking or getting lost in your own head. Otherwise you end up running the risk of isolating yourself and just ruminating over the pain, like picking at a scab over and over again. Better to engage with your friends and remind yourself that even if this didn’t work, you’re not alone, nor unloved, and that life not only goes on, but so does joy and hope.
But even if the advice is going to be the same, it’s going to be important for you to really be honest with yourself about how you’re feeling and what you’re feeling. I can understand wanting to be over someone, just as I can understand wanting to be cool with things or that being rejected like that doesn’t hurt. I can even understand wanting to be mature about things and wanting to move through the sting of it all and get to acceptance as soon as you can. But that doesn’t mean that the pain don’t hurt, and pretending that you don’t feel it isn’t the same as not feeling it. You can – and should – be honest with yourself about what you’re feeling and why, even if you wish you were feeling another way.
I realize that it seems a bit “oooh, let’s sit down and process”, but acknowledging and respecting those feelings is important. When you try to force yourself to not feel in the name of being “the bigger man” or “being mature about it” or whatnot, you make it that much harder to actually get over someone. All you’re doing is kicking the catharsis down the road and taking that much longer to get over them. Speaking from personal experience: trying to not feel what you feel and not being honest with yourself about what you feel has a tendency to backfire, messily and all over the place. You convince yourself that everything’s cool, that you don’t feel a stab when you see her or hear her voice or read her name on something, but all you’re doing is shoving those feelings into a container with the label “Warning: contents under pressure”. Then something is going to puncture that container – it always does – and now you’re dealing with Inconvenient Feelings 2: The Secret of the Ooze.
So maybe take a little bit of time to say “ok, this sucks, I’m disappointed in how this turned out and sad that she doesn’t like me the way I like her. I would’ve liked things to be different, but they aren’t.” You’re clearly feeling those things, and it does you no good to pretend that you aren’t. It doesn’t speed things along, it doesn’t make you stronger emotionally, it just means you have to deal with it twice, and the second time tends to suck more because you have to feel it all again. Better to just let yourself be deep in the feels for a bit, let them flow through you and pass you and then when you look backwards, you’ll see that it has left you and you’ll be in a better place overall.
In the meantime, however, I’d recommend that you take this as an opportunity to not make similar mistakes going forward. A lot of relationship success is about finding the right people and not putting yourself in positions where you’re signing up for unnecessary disappointment or frustration. Your coworker was one example; your bartender is another. To be blunt, flirting with the bartender is unlikely to ever lead anywhere, and I don’t think you’re in a place – either emotionally or skill-wise – where you’d be able to flirt for the sake of flirting but without investing in the outcome. Bartenders, especially attractive female bartenders, are often professionally nice and professionally flirty with the customers, especially customers who flirt with them. I think the odds of your overestimating her interest are high, as are the odds of your getting another unfortunate crush and another unfortunate. While I fully approve of moving on and continuing to meet and chat up other women, I think this person in particular would be a poor choice. Better to find someone who doesn’t have a financial incentive to seem interested and approachable while being unavailable. Otherwise, you run the risk of repeating the same mistakes and enduring the same heartache by watering yet another dead plant.
The last thing I would suggest is that going forward, if you want to avoid being an orbiter, remember that ultimately your outlook should be “are you worth my time?” not “what can I do to get your attention/ prove I’m worthy” and the like. Somebody can be hot and make your heart do flip-flops; that doesn’t make them right for you, nor does it make them worth your time. You want to remember that at the end of the day, you want someone who is worth pursuing, not someone who you feel like you have to fight for their time and attention. That means not investing in them until they’ve shown that they’re worth investing in… and part of that will entail their willingness to show that they have similar levels of interest. If they aren’t, then you haven’t wasted time by hanging around in hopes that things will change; you’ve shifted gears to letting the relationship be whatever level it will be and moving on to find someone who is worth your time and energy.
Good luck.
