I’m An Ugly, Lonely Incel Loser. Now What?

Estimated reading time: 15 minutes

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

The woman I’m miserable over married the dude I hate the most in the world and nobody cares that I’m miserable and angry that she chose that scumbag over me just because he’s better looking than me. Fuck life.

I’m a depressed miserable shallow incel with misogynistic views. I have extreme envy issues, and I ruminate over rejections, slights, and my envy of men with the women I love I’m depressed over. I wish I wasn’t me. I want to change but I struggle changing. 30 and a morbidly obese virgin but I’m extremely depressed because attractive thin women don’t like me. I’m severely envious of the men who are with the women I’m miserable over. I can’t go to bars because I stare at couples happy while I sulk into my beer, I stay in my room playing Xbox when I’m not working instead of having a life. I don’t have any friends here where I live, they all live in my old home state, and I’m envious of them too because of their wives, I’m glad they’re happy but still sad my life isn’t theirs. I’m more than 100 lbs overweight, only 2/3 done with my bachelors, and still live with my parent. I am an envious loser with ambition but no drive because I feel that if I put in effort, it’s almost certainly a failure because I’m unattractive looking. I’ve said terribly things about women who look like me, while complaining I’m not loved. I’m exhausted with myself and feel like a lost cause every day. I just recently got a job in the field I want to be in and I’m not even doing a good job at it. I wish I could change but because of what I look like, and because I don’t have money, I feel hopeless. I pushed away a lot of people because of my mindset. Even with my therapist, I’m frustrated that he can’t help me with being more attractive to attractive women, and that’s not his job, so I know I’m in the wrong. It’s difficult for me to do it for me alone. I’m dreading my 30th birthday in a year because it’ll mean I’m a 30 year loser virgin who no one woman wants to date or have sex with because I’m unattractive.

I’m morbidly obese but I complain that pretty women think I’m ugly so I’m shallow and a hypocrite, I’m miserable every day about women who rejected me or don’t even know I exist, I envy their husbands and boyfriends just for being with them.

I ruminate every day how I go to bed every night looking at the empty space in my bed knowing that no woman loves me or cares about me or even thinks of me, but the women I’m miserable over lay their heads in the shoulders of the men I hate at night. I even envy my friends because they are happy with beautiful wives. Meanwhile the only 2 advice I get from family and friends are “either date your league with obese women because pretty women won’t ever like you, or go to prostitutes so you won’t be a virgin anymore.” If that’s the best advice people in my life have for me then they really think low of me.

So my life is Bad. Life sucks, every woman I have feelings for are happy with men I hate, and no women wants me because I’m ugly looking, and I’m a 30 year old kissless virgin so that says it all about how much of a loser I am. Seeing women I’m miserable over with men I loathe and hate, ruins my life because no one cares about me and my loneliness.

I lose out to dudes better looking than me and nobody cares how shitty I have it, or how much other dudes ruin my life because they’re who the women I tried for wanted over me. Then everybody tells me “date ugly fat women because that’s your league and just accept that’s the way it is.”

Life Is Depressing

I’m going to be real here: this is the sort of letter I hate getting. Why? Notice the complete absence of a question mark; this isn’t a question so much as just saying “my life sucks” and… ok.  Sounds rough, buddy.

Now, an obvious question from my readership would be “why did you pull this one out of the mailbag if you don’t like getting people venting?” And if I’m being honest, it’s because it’s a new year and as much as I view New Years resolutions as a waste of time… it is as good a time as any to take stock and decide what you want to do with your life and what you would want to be different.

So, LID, I ask you: ok, you’re a lonely, ugly incel loser. What are you willing to do about that? Please notice very carefully that I said willing, because that is the important part. What are you willing to do to change things? Because it’s going to be a matter of will. Not ability, not opportunity, will. It is the act of deciding that you want things to be different and to then take steps to make them be different, not to lament about impossibilities or cry about other people have that you don’t.

Here’s the thing: it sounds to me like your issue is that this is about what you’ve been given rather than what you’ve done. It hasn’t escaped my notice how much of the passive voice is in this letter and how much you frame things as though they just happen rather than things that were worked for. That’s telling because it suggests that your complaint is what you haven’t been given – a girlfriend, good physical looks and so on. It’s also telling because of how yousee the world and ­– most importantly – what you’re choosing not to see.

To start with: none of this is because you’re unattractive. This is all about how you feel about yourself. Your being attractive or unattractive isn’t affecting how much effort you’re putting into your supposed dream job, you’re choosing to half-ass it and blaming it on being unattractive. Your therapist isn’t helping because it’s not the point of therapy to make you attractive to women. It’s to address your issues and help you resolve them. Which, again, you’ve decided is about your looks. It’s not. It’s about how you feel about yourself. Even if your therapist could wave a magic wand and transform you physically into Sessue Hayakawa or Streetcar-era Marlon Brando, your problems would be exactly the same because the calls are coming from inside the house. This isn’t speculation or empty rhetoric; incels have dropped new-car levels of money on cosmetic surgery only to discover that, shockingly, they’re the exact same person they were before they went under the knife.

Here’s another thing that you’re missing: you’re not “losing out” to other people, because quite frankly you were never in the running. Not because there’s something wrong with you but because you have sequestered yourself off from the world, choosing to stare with bitterness out a window in a tower of your own making. Nobody cares about your loneliness because your loneliness isn’t their problem, no matter how much you try to make it so. You push people away and reject help until all that’s left is shitty advice because you’ve refused to listen to anything else. Nobody is ruining your life; you are.

But that means that you can fix it yourself as well.

Here is a third thing that you are missing: the people you complain about? They didn’t have girlfriends drop into their laps. They didn’t just walk outside and suddenly people were lining up to date them. That’s just a fantasy you use to punch yourself in the dick and make yourself feel worse. It’s easier to lament your life if you invent someone who has everything you want without working for it, and the idea that they got it without working for it helps justify feeling like you shouldn’t “have” to work for it, and thus life is unfair. And, yes, life is unfair and that’s a good thing. To quote one Marcus Cole: “Wouldn’t it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe.”

Focusing on the fairness or unfairness of it all is part of the problem because what you’re not seeing in those relationships you envy and men you resent is the work they’ve done. Nobody has gotten into a relationship without effort or doing work to become someone that people want to date. Nobody was born a playboy or a femme fatale; they simply learned the lessons early and put them into use. You are only seeing the end result of effort and personal development, not the process it took to get there. Looks alone aren’t doing the trick; as we have seen over and over again, you can be gorgeous and utterly repulsive. Even now we’re watching someone who is, by all measures, incredibly conventionally attractive reveal that he’s an insecure and malignant shitbag that women wouldn’t fuck with a borrowed vagina, purely because of how he acts and treats people.

Some folks have had advantages that meant they haven’t had to do as much work, sure… but they have still had to do work. And those advantages aren’t just “won the genetic lottery”;  those advantages are things like “grew up in a supportive environment that encouraged confidence and development of social skills”, or “had people who modeled good loving relationships”, or “were encouraged to become well-rounded, interesting people and cultivating self-expression”. Some were neurotypical and others were neurodivergent but who got support and care that helped mitigate or avoid problems that come with being neurodivergent.

And even the most conventionally beautiful of people have to put in work; all you have to do is look at photos of celebrities when they’re not in “celebrity” mode, when they’re at the beach or running last minute errands in their ratty sweats, when they haven’t put on a full face of makeup and done their hair and have the advantage of professional stylists and lighting.

But as I said: your looks aren’t the problem. Your behavior, beliefs and attitude are. People are going to find you unattractive because of the shitty things you say about others and the way you behave. They’re going to be turned off by the bitterness and resentment, the way that you foist your anger off on others as though it were their fault. People will avoid you and not want to date you because of the choices you have made and are continuing to make.

So I ask you again: what are you willing to do differently? Are you willing to redirect your energy and effort and change things? Or are you just looking for permission to give up? Because that’s not what we do here. If you want permission to give up, that’s all on you. If you want to improve… well, that’s what I’m here for.

Here’s the thing: relationships, friendships, a better life? These are all within your reach. These are all things you can accomplish. It doesn’t matter that you’re nearly 30; nobody genuinely cares about that and nobody worth listening to is going to make that an issue. Age only matters as a data point, not a marker of failure. Some folks started earlier than you; they learned the lessons and did much of the work in childhood and in college. But that doesn’t make them better than you. It’s just when they got their start. And, funny thing: nobody cares when you started. They only care that you got there. So if you want things to be different, you have to do things differently and the sooner you start, the sooner you’ll get there.

So what do you do? Well, you start living your life like you’ve seen this movie before. You’re in a time loop: every day is exactly the same. But the thing about time loops is that once you recognize you’re in one, you can start making changes. One change and suddenly the loop is different. Two changes and you are different. Three changes and you may as well be living in another world.

So start with making little changes. The first change? Sell your Xbox. I’m a diehard gamer with more consoles and handhelds than I know what to do with, who’s on his fifth run through of Baldur’s Gate 3, so trust me, I understand. But right now, you need one less thing that’s going to tempt you to fall back into old patterns. It’s much easier to resist temptation when you put steps between it and yourself. Right now, Now you have more reason to go outside and touch grass instead of holing yourself up in your room and feeling sorry for yourself.

And that actually brings us to the second change: go outside. Touch grass. Or rather: go outside and take a twenty-minute walk, every day. Yes, just twenty minutes, preferably in the sunshine. If you feel a little frisky, take a thirty-minute walk. Maybe a forty-minute walk at some point if you’re feeling especially nasty. But the simple act of taking a walk every day, out in the fresh air and sunshine will help push back the depression. After all, our bodies are meant to move. Getting a quick walk in will boost your endorphins, push blood around your body, increase your vitamin D levels and make you feel better overall. Your thinking will be clearer and sharper, you’ll be more creative and insightful and you’ll have more energy than you did before.  

Third change? Once a month, minimum: go out to a museum and appreciate art. Or maybe there’s a sculpture garden in your area; go visit it and spend time there. Find a bar that has live music and watch a show. You’re not there to glare at happy couples, you’re there to appreciate culture and live music, and that’s where your attention should be. Learn more about art and culture so you have things to talk about with people, especially people who are unlike you.

Yet another change: go to a hair salon and talk to a stylist. Tell them that you want to change up your look and you aren’t sure where to start, so get their input on a haircut that will flatter your face and work with your hair’s texture – one that you can maintain easily. If you have facial hair, get it cleaned up, trimmed and shaped. Don’t put it off until you’ve lost X number of pounds; do it now, rather than later. A simple hair cut can be absolutely transformative.

A fifth change: you’re going to consciously change how you think about people. You are going to consciously, willfully stop yourself when you think envious, bitter thoughts about happy couples, of women in relationships and men who seemingly have it much easier than you. Every time you find yourself griping, grousing or complaining about others, you will choose to stop that thought in its tracks and instead say “good for them. I hope things are going well.” You will quit treating other people’s happiness as though it is an affront against you and, instead, choose to see it as a good thing.

Right now, bitterness and anger is rolling off of you in waves and everyone can feel it. It even radiates from your letter so clearly that I’m surprised that it doesn’t set off hazmat alarms. Your resentment roils and spreads around you like a passive-aggressive Chernobyl, creating a dead zone around you that people desperately avoid and will continue to do so until things change. So you will start to consciously note those bitter thoughts and moments of envy and chooseto interrupt and replace them, over and over again, until you no longer have to do so consciously. Your feelings of resentment are a habit, and so now it is time to break that habit – consciously and actively at first, until eventually it becomes the emotional equivalent of muscle memory.

Why? Because it does you no good. You’re drinking poison and hoping someone else will die because of it. Your bitterness only serves to isolate you further. Your anger changes nothing except to make you angrier. It’s time to let it go because holding onto it only serves to hurt you for no reason other than you feel like you should be hurt. The emotions you feed are the ones that grow, so ask yourself: do you want to keep being bitter and resentful? Do you want to keep pushing people away with your attitude? Or do you want to draw people in, to be a warmer, friendlier, more charismatic person? 

Once you start doing these things regularly? It’s time to start taking more steps. Talk to your therapist about your depression and the possibility of medication. Getting on an antidepressant can be part of what helps carries the load of your depression and gives you more room to actually address your feelings of self-worth and tendency towards isolation.

Another step: looking into how to complete your bachelors. You can take one course at a time and accumulate the credits you need to finish your degree. Maybe while you’re doing this you can look into taking another class just for fun – find one on a subject that’s always interested you, but you haven’t invested the time and effort into.

A third step: start putting money away into a savings account. This is going to be part of how you save up first and last month’s rent and a security deposit so you can start finding a place on your own. Living with your parents is hardly a disqualifier – more than 50% of people in their 20s live in multi-generational households – but having a place of your own will feel like an accomplishment.

Now notice very carefully how none of this is about getting dates or meeting women. Or rather: this isn’t directly about getting dates or meeting women. What you’re doing is laying the groundwork for having a life, doing the things that make you a more interesting person to talk to and spend time with, of changing your life from the ground up. This is about creating the foundation for your becoming your best self, the platform on which everything else rests. It’s about getting off autopilot, letting go of the bitterness you’ve built up and the resentment of others, while reminding yourself that you have agency. You have control. You have made choices that led you to where you are today and now you’re making new choices that will lead you to where you want to be. It’s about setting yourself up so that you can let go of your bitterness, release your anger and resentment and finally put all of this behind you. It’s about dropping the emotional baggage that’s been holding you down walking, unburdened and free, into a new and bright future.

But only if you are willing to do so. Only if you choose to take those steps, break those patterns, let go of the past.

Otherwise, nothing will change. You will stay exactly where you are, as you are. And it will be entirely and utterly because you have decided that this is what you want.

It’s a new year. You can have a new future. But only if you choose it.

Good luck.