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1 week ago
29
Estimated reading time: 12 minutes
Doctor’s Note: Today, we’re going to do things a little differently. Since both of today’s letters have similar questions and cover similar complaints, rather than repeat the reply or spread it across different columns, I’ve decided to address both letters at the same time.
Dear Dr. NerdLove, I am a single gay male in my mid-40s. I realize that you may not be able to directly identify, but I seem to be at my wit’s end.
I think I’m a fairly interesting, intelligent, and attractive person. My friends all say I’d be a great catch. The only catch is, I can’t seem to figure out how people meet any more. I’ve been on all the dating apps over the years – years ago it seemed there were more eligible people on those apps (before spamming, phishing, and bots took over), and I had some marginal success. But those days seem to be over. Just when I feel I’ve reached a peak personally, professionally, and sexually, the pond seems to have dried up completely.
We all hear a lot about “silver foxes,” “dad bods,” and the like, but when it comes to actually trying to find someone, it rarely if ever happens. I don’t feel ancient, and I don’t think I look it. But I do have salt and pepper hair. I have a full figure – I’m tall, so I’m height/weight proportionate. Fellow LGBT friends have told me my problem is that I’m attracted to younger men; if only I’d open myself up to men my own age and older, I’d be all set. I get that, but I am simply not attracted to people significantly older than myself (say, more than 5 years). Trust me, I’ve tried. The spark just isn’t there.
I’m fairly convinced at this point that my only real options are to make a significant expenditure on an LGBT-themed trip (cruise, etc.) or to hire a professional matchmaker! I know I’m a great person, and I know I could truly love someone and be loved by them for a very long time. I just haven’t met him yet, and yet is beginning to gain on me! I would welcome and appreciate any advice at all that you can give me.
Again, I realize that you may not be able to directly identify, but surely there are some general dating commonalities and suggestions you could proffer. Thank you very much.
Foxy Father Figure
Dear Dr. NerdLove,
I am finding myself struggling with dating in our ever-increasing digital world. I am 22 and am not super “online” as it be (I’m barely on Bluesky and that is my most used social media) and am struggling to find other single young people out in the world. It’s difficult to connect with peers when I really only have a public LinkedIn when you search my name.
I live in a moderately sized city and the Big City in my area is only 30mins away and I travel there often. I find I’m not meeting a lot of 20-somethings at bars or at events who are single. I really prefer emotional intimacy before sex, and I can’t seem find other young progressives who will take it low and slow with me.
I’m a Bi man and so the dating pool should be very open. I have good friends, but I really miss having a romantic partner. I haven’t (seriously) dated anyone since high school which was before the pandemic, and I just feel so lost!
Please Help!
Sincerely,
Troubled in My Near Twenties
Alright, F3 meet TMNT. TMNT, meet F3. Since you’re both asking the same question and have as much overlap as you both do in your circumstances, I’m going to reply to both of you at the same time.
The bottom line is that you’re dealing with a couple specific issues – some endemic to dating in general, some that comes from… well, from dating and wanting relationships with men.
The first issue is simply the apps. F3, you’re not wrong when you say that it seems like years ago, the apps were more viable; they absolutely were. I know I’m something of a broken record on this topic, but the fact of the matter is that dating apps have gone the way of many online services and fallen to the forces of the Rot Economy (h/t to Ed Zitron) and the curse of Shareholder Supremacy; put simply, dating apps across the board have gone from a service people appreciated to “what can we do to extract the most money from the market while not reinvesting the money in making the service enjoyable or useful to our target market?” While I know people like to talk about how the apps are actively hindering people’s attempts to find dates or relationships – since (most) happily partnered people no longer have a need for them – that’s not actually true. It’s more accurate to say that the apps have become deliberately more frustrating, in order to get you to the point of being willing to pay to be less frustrated. Dating apps these days are, quite simply, Candy Crush; they draw you in and then slowly turn off the spigot so that you’ll pay money to get the results you were expecting.
This is why, for example, many of the apps will require that you subscribe at particular tiers for ‘conveniences’ that one would think would come standard – like being able to see who liked you or to sort your matches into some sort of order. Some go so far as to only offer search fields or profile options to specific subscription tiers; if you want to search for people interested in polyamory or other types of relationships, better shell out for the LoveX tier sub! Similarly, putting people behind what’s colloquially called “rose jail” encourages people to pay for the privilege of messaging “more desirable” matches – tacitly admitting that they’re withholding the people you might be a better match with.
The second issue is… well, you’re both looking for relationships with men and, gay, bi or straight, a lot more guys out in the dating market are looking for someone for a good time, not a long time. This means that many – possibly even the majority, depending on the demographic – are looking for hook-ups or casual encounters, rather than long-term partners… which gets frustrating if you’re one of the people who’s looking to settle down or who needs more time to develop a connection before you become sexually attracted to someone. A lot of your target demo may simply not be interested in waiting to build that sense of intimacy and connection; not when they’re looking for Mr. Right Now instead of Mr. Right.
(There’s also a lot of guys on the apps who want to date young and expect extreme-to-unrealistic body standards, just as with men who date and sleep with women, which is its own issue. Which also ties into the issue you’re having, F3; years ago, you were much younger, too)
The third issue is age. You, TMNT, in particular are dealing with trying to date people who tend to be at a stage in life where they’re not necessarily interested in settling down or having a committed relationship.
One of the quirks about how men – including queer men – are socialized is that they tend to be more linear in their development; that is, they tend to see life as a linear progression. The outlook tends to be “First I have to develop myself professionally, then I develop myself personally”, and much of their focus is put on getting their career track set up, rather than focusing on dating. As a result, they tend to be more interested in something that’s low-commitment and with even lower-expectations. It’s not that much of a surprise that a lot of 20-something men tend to be more interested in casual encounters; leaving aside issues of toxic masculine ideals that emphasize quantity (number of sexual partners) over quality, the appeal of those casual encounters is how little they (theoretically) demand of them. Not having to put in the time and effort of maintaining a committed, long-term relationship means that they have more time to put towards their professional goals and the social connections that they are prioritizing.
Then, as many women in their 30s can tell you, those same men will decide that they’ve reached the point in their professional development that they’re ready to start looking for something more serious and then they suddenly show up ready to date… often reaching back out to people they shrugged off before.
You, on the other hand, F3, are interested in people who are, for lack of a less awkward term, more in demand. Western culture and American culture in particular put a lot of emphasis on the desirability of youth, and young hot guys tend to be in high demand but short supply… and again, many of them aren’t going to be that interested in the longer-term, more serious relationship you seem to be looking for.
This is why, in both of your cases, the ultimate answer is to deprioritize the apps; the apps are frustrating in and of themselves and they’re catering to an audience where the people you’re most compatible with are going to be needles in weirdly aggro haystacks.
Instead, both of you need to start looking beyond the apps and start dating like our ancestors did: going where your people are and making connections. And in both of your cases, you’re going to want to focus less on meat markets and more on social settings, where the emphasis is more on connecting with people and building relationships. Bars and clubs may be good places to meet and flirt with lots of people in quick succession, but they’re often not great places to try to find someone you want to settle down with. It’s not impossible by any stretch – many life-long relationships start off as one night stands that don’t end or casual hook-ups that quickly become less casual – but the odds are lower. Not zero… but lower.
You, in particular, TMNT, aren’t going to be well served by trying to meet people in bars, whether gay or straight. If your looking for someone who’s willing to go low-and-slow and let the simmer build to a boil, you’re going to do much better meeting people and building a connection over time.
Now, in both of your cases, you want to play to your strengths. Both of you have an advantage that a lot of straight men don’t; if you’re in a decent sized urban area (especially if it’s a more queer-friendly and accepting city), you’re much more likely to find social organizations that are specifically designed to introduce LGBTQ people to one another. There are a lot of gay amateur sports leagues, gay activity groups, book clubs and so on. These tend to be focused more on making friends and socializing, rather than hooking up or dating, which makes it more your speed, TMNT. In both of your cases, one of the benefits here is that by playing the long(er) game, you’re better able to gauge chemistry and compatibility, while your uniqueness makes you more attractive and interesting over time. These also have the benefit of being activities that tend to be exciting or enjoyable, which trigger the Misattribution of Arousal – people are more likely to ascribe the thrill of competition or the cozy pleasure of the book club to the company rather than the activity – while also hitting the Reward Theory of Attraction.
Individually, you have areas that might let you roll with advantage as well. F3, you mention that you’re more full figured. While you may not be a bear yourself, you may find that you have more afficionados if you go looking for potential partners among the queer community who’re into bigger guys, especially if you’re correspondingly hirsute. You’re also more likely to find guys who might like older men, or who are closer in age to you, while not being so young that there’s next to no common ground or shared cultural touchstones.
TMNT, on the other hand, may want to lean into the progressive politics of it all. After all, with Trump in the White House, there’s going to be a need for activism and advocacy. Finding a cause to volunteer your time and energy towards is going to put you in contact with a lot of like-minded individuals – many of whom are going to be in similar stages of life as yourself. Political campaigns, advocacy groups and volunteer organizations tend to be pressure-cooker environments and there’re few battlefields where love is more likely to bloom than places where pressure, enthusiasm and a sense of urgency all come together. You’re also more likely to find people who either understand demisexuality or are demisexual themselves.
In both of your cases, you’ll also want to remember to look a step or two beyond who you meet right off the bat at some of these events, as well as to moderate your own expectations.
To start with, you can’t go into these spaces with the same mindset you might have on a dating app or a singles bar. One of the reasons why folks have a hard time meeting people, even on the dating apps, is that attraction isn’t always instant, and chemistry isn’t always immediate. Expecting lightning right off the bat means you’re going to spend a lot of time disappointed; even if you’re into them right away, that doesn’t mean it’ll be mutual. Other times, it may be the other way around; there may be folks who think you a big plate of salty goodness but you aren’t necessarily into… yet. But those people may well grow on you as you get to know them; some people, especially if they’re strongly flavored, can be an acquired taste. They may take a bit of getting used to, but taking the time to acquire it can pay off in ways you may never expect and vice versa.
But also: the people you see the first time you go may not be the total number of people who are part of that group. Spending more time, getting to know people and become a regular means not just getting to know the folks you met on the first day, but also the people who may not have been there right off the bat or who join later on. And being a known quantity means that you’ll have a much easier time meeting both the new folks and the folks who hadn’t been there in a while.
And just as importantly: the people you meet at these events may not be the person or partner of your dreams… but they may well be the person who will introduce you to them. So building your own social network – and becoming part of other people’s – can be as important to finding your special someone as flirting and mixing and mingling with the folks who are already there.
I know it can be frustrating; it certainly doesn’t help when capitalism inserts itself into even our love-lives and tries to milk it like a cow. But with time, consideration and patience, you might be astounded at the results you get and the people you meet.
Good luck
