How Do I Learn To Be A Completely Different Person?

Estimated reading time: 17 minutes

Dear Dr. NerdLove: this is really only somewhat related to dating but I hope you can help me anyway. I’m a recent college graduate, new resident in a large midwestern city and I just turned 25 and I don’t want to be me anymore because being me isn’t working out.

Like a lot of your readers, I didn’t have the greatest junior high or high school experience. I struggled a lot socially and a medical steroid I took for a condition caused me to break out with cystic acne and caused some other side-effects. I had very little clue how to handle basic social situations and was incredibly awkward and weird. 

I couldn’t wait to graduate and go to college where I thought I could have a chance to reinvent myself and be someone new. Unfortunately, I couldn’t go far for college and had to stay locally, and that meant that I was seeing a lot of the same people I knew in high school. I wouldn’t say that my reputation preceeded me because that would imply that I was infamous or well-known, but the fact that a lot of the same classmates were in the same communities or clubs and hobby groups meant that I’d show up hoping to establish myself and the other classmates would regale people of what I was like back in high school. I felt trapped by my past self, like I couldn’t escape from other people’s ideas of who I am.

Fast forward four years and one degree and I’ve moved out and I’m starting over in a new town but I’m worried that I’m going to be the same guy I’ve been all my life and I’m tired of being that guy. I want to break out of my shell and try to be the person I always wanted to be but I feel like I’m doomed to keep falling in the same old patterns and that if I run into people who knew me, any work I did to change will get tossed in the trash.

How do I shed my old self like a snake skin and be someone new? I don’t necessarily want to go from being a high school loser to the hottest guy in the city, but I’d like to be more than the guy I used to be. How do I make this change and how do I get people to accept it?

Thanks,

Time To Be Someone Else

Talking about reinventing oneself is interesting, TTBSE, because a lot of the time, we really mean precisely what you experienced in college: trying to get away from other people’s expectations. We see this a lot with Hollywood actors who are trying to shake off roles that made them famous – Disney channel actors trying to prove that they’re more than random fresh-faced moppets, actors trying to move away from their breakout role, singers who want to grow beyond their freshman hit and so-on. Many times, this involves trying to shock people with the change; I’ve lost track of how many female actors who got started as child actors would have some provocative photo shoot to try to banish their squeaky-clean image. Some succeed simply by not giving a shit; Daniel Radcliffe left Harry Potter behind to pick a wild assortment of roles that he clearly found interesting, no matter how bizarre or outre. But it sounds to me like what you’re asking for is as much about making substantive changes, not just dealing with other people’s idea of who you are. And that part gets trickier, because it gets into issues of identity, authenticity and how much of our lives are patterns and habits, how many are responses to our experiences and how many are just hard-wired into us.

There’s a part of me that’s kind of tempted to just throw you at Richard Linklater’s movie Hit Man, where Glenn Powell makes the precise transformation you describe – just, y’know, while also pretending to be a hitman and convincing people that he’s going to commit murder for money – and call it a day. And to be honest, I think there is value to be found there, even if it’s just inspiration and motivation.

(Admittedly, it’s a little hard to believe that Powell has that level of charisma that he can pull out as needed and yet also isn’t popular with women but that’s a different rant entirely)

The truth is that a lot of our sense of “self” is as much about our habits and who we allow ourselves to be. Like I’m often saying: “you” are a concept that’s a continual work in progress, and it’s always in flux. Many times the resistance to change is less about any innate nature of who “we” are and more about our comfort zones.

But that doesn’t mean that we can snap our fingers and magically be someone different. In fact, trying to force the issue can be incredibly bad for us. As someone who’s made a lot of changes in his life and who’s seen others try to make similar ones, there’re a few things that you want to keep in mind if you want this to work.

The first is that you don’t want to try to be someone you’re not. Yes, I know, that’s sort of the whole point of this, but stick with me for a second. Back in when I was part of the pick-up scene, I watched a lot of guys try to basically create false personalities and lives for themselves because they thought this was what they needed to do to be attractive to women. They tried to create these personas that they thought women wanted and would try to live them when we were out meeting women at bars.

This created obvious issues: you might be able to convince someone that you were a successful entrepreneur or popular DJ or whatever for the span of a conversation, maybe even for the length of a one-night stand… but it also meant that you were setting a countdown timer until they figured out that you were lying.

Some guys I knew tried to live those lives – they quit jobs, switched entire wardrobes, bought cars and even moved into different houses and apartments in hopes of being those people…

…and almost all of them inevitably hit a wall. As it turns out, humans are bad at lying, and trying to keep up a lot of lies is incredibly stressful. Most of the guys I knew had emotional breakdowns to one degree or another because of the strain of trying to force themselves into these ill-fitting personas. One checked himself into an in-patient psych facility to deal with the fallout. Another joined a cult, and I haven’t seen or heard from him since.

The issue wasn’t that they were trying to change who they were; the issue was that they were trying to be someone who was inauthentic to who they were. It wasn’t just that they were trying to be someone else, it was that they were trying to be someone who was nothing like them and the incongruence of it fucked them up.

This is why the most important part of trying to reinvent yourself is that you don’t want to change, so much as explore other sides of yourself and discover new aspects to who you are that are already there. It’s less being someone else so much as giving other sides of your personality more time in the spotlight. You don’t need to be “someone else”, you just have to be willing to see what else youhave that you haven’t spent time developing.

Which actually leads to my second point: Much of who “you” are is a habit, not an innate and immutable identity. To change yourself is to change those habits and behaviors. Humans are lazy; we like things to stay the same because it means we expend less energy and we know what to expect. This is why we talk about our comfort zone; it’s where we’re comfortable because we don’t have to work at it. Sometimes those zones suck… but at least they suck in a way that’s familiar. The unknown – what lies outside our comfort zone – is scary because we don’t know what will happen. That’s precisely what allows our jerkbrains to throw all sorts of nightmare and worst-case-scenarios at us.

But that’s precisely what reinventing yourself entails; you have to take a deep breath and step outside your comfort zone. But you can’t just dip a toe out and say “ok, I’m good” before pulling it back in. You have to stay out long enough that this becomes something you’re familiar with – expanding your comfort zone to encompass this new knowledge and different experiences.

Clothes are a prime example of this; if you’ve ever said “I can’t wear X because it’s not ‘me’,” what you’re really saying is “this isn’t something I feel comfortable wearing right now”. It’s the same with doing things you “can’t” do; while sometimes there are things that are outside your reach, most of the time this is really saying “I’m afraid to do try because I think I’ll fail”. And yeah… the odds are that, when you try something for the first time, you’re not going to be that good at it. You’re doing it for the first time, after all. But to quote the sage: “sucking at something is the first step at being kinda good at it”.

So if you want to be a new person, start saying “yes” to more stuff, especially things that you’ve either never done before or that you’ve been afraid to try. Don’t worry about it not being “you”; think of it as exploring about who “you” are and could be.

Not everything you try is going to be a great new discovery; you’ll quickly find that some things you normally say “no” to are things that you don’t vibe with or don’t work for you for many reasons. But you’re going to find that many of the things that you thought were your limitations are, in fact, just things you were afraid to try or things you got in the habit of not doing.

Now, an important point here is that you want to take this at a measured pace. A lot of people try to change everything about themselves all at once and get overwhelmed; it’s hard to give any one thing your full attention when that attention is divided amongst everything. Everyone has a limited amount of mental and emotional bandwidth, and it doesn’t do you any good to overload it; you won’t have the capacity to give those things the attention they deserve and you may well end up over-committing to things that don’t actually work for you. So take those changes in measured bites; try a couple new things at a time and reserve some of that bandwidth for the things you’re still happy with. That makes it much easier to recharge your mental and emotional energy and have reserves left over to explore those other sides of yourself.

But what things should you change? Well, I’m glad you asked,  convenient rhetorical device. Part of how you decide what to change is also part of how give yourself permission to change: you act like you’re already the person you want to be. You want, quite literally, to fake it until you make it.

The thing about faking it isn’t that you’re being false or untrue to who you are; it’s more that you’re asking yourself “OK, what would I do if I were someone who had confidence?” “How would I behave if I loved who I was?” “What would I be like if I wasn’t afraid to talk to someone I was attracted to?”. You’re giving yourself permission to access those behaviors, attitudes and beliefs now, instead of in some nebulous future when you’ll have crossed some milestone. It’s easy to say “I’ll do X when I achieve Y”, because it kicks the can down the road; it’s a promise to a future self, but without any commitment to get there.

By faking it and acting like you’re already the person you want to be, you’re giving yourself access to the qualities you want to have – qualities you already possess but simply need to put into practice. And practice is the key word; these behaviors and actions are things that you can improve by putting them to use. If you don’t actually use them, they won’t grow and develop; they’ll always be something you’ll eventually cultivate in a nebulous future that will likely never come.

It will also tell you what parts of you that you want to develop. You already know what they are; you just need to actually give yourself the option to do them.

This is part of how Powell’s character manages to change himself; he’s not fakingthings so much as finally putting different skills into practice and becoming comfortable with them. It can be easier to do this when you see it as “acting” or “pretending”, simply because it’s giving yourself permission to do things you wouldn’t otherwise, behind the fig leaf of “pretend”. But even if the idea is you’re “pretending” to be someone else, when you do it for long enough, it becomes part of who you are. This is why, as the saying goes, we are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be.

(This is also how “ironic” racism, sexism and queerphobia quickly stops being “ironic” and becomes just straight racism, sexism and queerphobia).

The last thing to keep in mind is that none of the changes you make are going to be permanent. Not on their own, at least. Like I said earlier: humans are lazy and we fall back into old patterns simply because they take less effort. It takes more time to exit one groove and carve a new groove in your brain than it does to just keep going in the same ol’ same ol. Making these changes stick is going to be a matter of consistent and regular repetition until they become muscle memory. If you, for example, decide to behave like you’re confident with women but only do so once every three or four weeks, it’s always going to be a struggle and you’re simply not going to make it stick. It’s just goig to be a thing you try when you remember to.

Behaviors are habits. So are beliefs. If you want this new, more polished you to stick around, you have to make a point of being him a thing you do on a regular and consistent schedule until it quits being a thing that you have to consciously think about. That takes effort, it takes reinforcement and it takes commitment. But you’ve done this before; you’ve just done it so long ago that you don’t remember, or in ways that you didn’t realize.

But this time, instead of letting it just “happen”, you’re putting your hand on the tiller and choosing what, how and when. Put your mind and will to it, and you’ll be amazed at what you can become.

Good luck.

Hello! I was interested on a coworker (26F) but it was hard to communicate with her: if we were alone, she would ignore me and if I started a conversation, she would talk, but in a nonchalant and disinterested way. However, when I was talking with other people, especially other girls, than she would barge into the conversation, flirt, tell a lot of jokes, etc.

I eventually found out that she is seeing/dating someone, so I decided to move on.

To make the process easier, since I see her every day at work, I decided to keep communication to a minimum (only work related) and avoid her. She looked a bit curious/confused about why I stopped contact, but did not make any approach. Everything was fine…

…until we have group talks. Then, she keeps her tendency of barging into my conversations with other people. This is kinda frustrating me, because not only ruins my avoidance strategy but also interferes with my communication with other people.

Why does she do this and what should I do? I don`t want to be impolite to her, but I need my distance.

Crush Recovery Zone

I can see how this would be frustrating, CRZ, but it’s hard for me to say what’s going on. After all, I’m not there to watch these and it’s not like I can subpoena all of you and put you under oath while I take your depositions. So even under the best of circumstances, all I’ve got is speculation and conjecture.

Having said that, I think there’re a couple important details that you left out that would make it easier to make an educated guess about what she’s up to.

To start with: when you were talking with her alone and she was acting disinterested, what were you talking about? Is it possible that she was less interested in the topic than you and was staying in the conversation to be polite?

Similarly, how were you behaving with her? If you were being overt (or at least, unsubtle) with your interest, she may have been trying to give you the wave-off without actually drawing attention to the fact that she was doing this. A lot of women will act withdrawn or uninterested in hopes that the guy who’s clearly crushing on them will get the message without them having to say it – especially if the guy hasn’t said anything definitively himself.

For that matter, are you sure she was uninterested or nonchalant but simply not reacting in a way that you’d see as being “interested”? Depending on what you were talking about, she may have had a more restrained reaction simply because it would be less appropriate to be effervescent and cheery than in some of the things you were talking to others about.

In fact, when you were talking with others and she would butt in, was it when you were talking with one person or a group? Does she do this with other people, or only with you?  When you’re talking with others, especially in group conversations, it’s certainly possible that you were talking about topics that she found more interesting or could engage with and actually had something she could sink her teeth into. She might also have felt more secure in participating in a group conversation simply because it meant that you would be less likely to steer things in a flirty or dating direction.

By that same token, who is she directing all this attention towards? Is she flirting with you? Or is she just behaving in a way that you would describe as “flirty” that isn’t necessarily directed at anyone or could be directed at everyone in the conversation? Is it possible that she’s friends with other people in the groups you’re talking to and is just joining the conversations with them that you happen to be having? Or is she actively seeking you out and only does this when you are having these group chats?

And while I’m asking: does she know you had a crush on her and you’re trying to get over it by spending less time with her? Or is this a decision that you made without making a production about it?

These are important, because they provide some much-needed context to both her behavior and yours. What seems inexplicable can make far more sense when context clues are factored into it. Otherwise, it’s just a lot of stabs in the dark and educated guesses.

It’s certainly possible, for example, that she’s the sort of person who likes knowing that someone’s into them, while not ever being interested in actually pursuing something with them. After all, just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy the validation that other people think you’re attractive. If that were the case, she might also be the sort of person who likes keeping that attention going. Reminding you that she’s there and throwing some salt on your game to keep your options narrow would be one way of making sure that you’re going to keep dancing in attendance on her.

It’s not likely, but it’s certainly possible.

It’s also possible that she is behaving as she always has, simply because not much has changed as far as she’s concerned. If the only difference is that you aren’t talking to her one-on-one as frequently as you used to (especially if she’d been giving you the subtle wave-off), then the main reason why this feels impactful to you is because you’re the only person who feels the difference. To her, it’s Tuesday.

Or it could be that she’s unsure why you suddenly stopped talking to her and feels a little hurt but isn’t going to make A Thing about it because who needs the drama? It’s easier to just continue as normal with others, and hope that either things get less uncomfortable or that you get over whatever is bothering you and start talking to her again.

I suspect the issue here is that you’re reading too much into this and you’re taking it personally because your feelings are involved. I don’t think she’s doing this at you, nor do I think she’s trying to keep you on the hook. You feel this sting because it hits directly in the crush you’re trying to let go of, but I highly doubt theres anything nefarious or even tricksy going on. I’d be willing to bet that this is just her being her and you’re reading more into it than is actually there.

That having been said: if she’s actually being rude or disrupting conversations that you’re trying to have with friends, that’s absolutely something to comment on. There’s nothing wrong with saying “hey, we were in the middle of something” if she’s butting in with no regard.

But as it is? I think you’re making far more assumptions about what she knows and understands you to be doing than is warranted. If you went from making a point of chatting to her to suddenly keeping it strictly business, it’s understandable that she’d be a little confused and possibly hurt.

It doesn’t sound to me like this was a deep or distracting crush and I don’t think you need to avoid her. Just treat her like normal, acknowledge your feelings to yourself without needing to do anything about it and redirect your attention when it flares up. The crush will fade on its own in time, and you can get back to business as usual.

Good luck.