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2 weeks ago
22
Estimated reading time: 16 minutes
Dear Dr. NerdLove:
I’ve been officially with my boyfriend for 6 months now. So we’re still in the honeymoon phase. Everything has been perfect from the start. We met through university, which we both study at. And we’ve been together every day since then. We’ve gone on trips together, he’s come home with me for Christmas, and we’ve really been each other’s person. I thought from the first time we met that this man would be mine forever. He tells me that he loves me every day, does everything for me. And has been the perfect boyfriend.
I’ve been open with him from the start, and told him that I have a hard time trusting people because of previous relationships where I’ve been cheated on. He’s promised me that he could never do something like that to me. And I trusted him 100%. I believed him.
But, one week ago everything turned around. I was on his phone, out of pure curiosity, and I find out that this man has an extra Snapchat account where he’s been sexting with other girls. And talked to dozens of girls every single day. He has sent pictures and videos of himself that make me sick just thinking about it. And he has asked girls to send him the same things. He has had this Snapchat account for years. Even through his entire relationship with his ex.
As soon as I found out, I packed up all my stuff and left. We have met once since then, and he has cried and cried and told me that he doesn’t know why he did this, and that it was a way for him to escape life. He tells me that he has never regretted anything so much before, and that he is sorry that he hurt me. And that he will become a better person and that he will do anything in the world to fix this, because he cannot lose me.
All I want is to forgive him, because I truly love him more than anything in the world. But another part of me tells me that I deserve better, and that I need to respect myself. But it’s hard, I feel like I am going to die. Our whole relationship has been a big lie, and everything he has told me is a lie. He has made a choice, every single day, to cheat on me. What do I do? I can’t take this anymore.
Twice Bitten
I’m sorry you’re going through this, TB; it sounds incredibly rough. It sounds to me there’re a few disparate threads in here that I think need to be dealt with, because I think they’re all tangled up into one big complicated knot that’s only going to get worse as time goes on.
Let’s start with what I think is an underlying issue here: you have trust issues from a partner cheating on you in a previous relationship. That’s entirely understandable; this is the sort of thing that feels like a deep and personal betrayal, and it’s not surprising that it would leave some scars.
I am, however, wondering if you’ve ever actually sought out help with those issues. One of the things I’ve seen over the years is how often people who have trust issues who don’t actually try to address and resolve those issues themselves run into similar patterns. The details vary, but they tend to follow the same path: they go out and find a new partner, convince themselves that this time things will be different, ask their partner to help manage those trust issues and then something ends up happening that triggers those trust issues and the relationship falls apart. Sometimes there’s a good reason for those trust issues to have been triggered, sometimes there’s not, but it happens frequently enough that it almost has become a trope.
It’s also notable that a lot of times, those trust issues can turn toxic if they go unresolved. I’ve seen far too many relationships where one partner’s “trust issues” became less of a matter of security in the relationship and more of the club they wielded over their partner.
Here’s the thing: relationships can’t exist without trust. You either trust your partner or you don’t. If you don’t or can’t trust them, then you’ve basically started a countdown clock to when this relationship is going to end, one way or another. Whether the other person actually commits some violation of your trust or not – and this is in general, not your case specifically, TB – the fact that you’re always feeling like the possibility is there, even likely makes it next to impossible to feel safe and secure with them. And while I understand that the origins of your trust issue – like those of others’ – is because of what your previous partner(s) did, it’s ultimately on you to manage those issues, not on your future partners. Otherwise you end up in these sorts of situations.
In fact, that’s part of what leads us to the next thread: you went snooping on his phone. This is one of those things that gets tricky to adjudicate; I’m generally of the opinion that snooping is almost always wrong and is only justified in retrospect. That is: unless you go and actually find something – which you did, in this case – you’re violating your partner’s trust. That, in and of itself, is bad. But to compound this, there’s also the fact that, when you go snooping, the odds are that you’re going to find things that you didn’t want to know. Not, mind you, proof of infidelity or wrong-doing, but often things that, once seen or read, can’t be unseen or unread, and you were likely happier beforehand. These are often private thoughts, past experiences, even things written in frustration with the understanding that they, or a select few, were the only people who would be likely to read those things. Reading them may be hurtful or surprising or distressing… but they were never intended to be shared or read by others, often for precisely that reason. And honestly, that’s fine. Everyone has a right to privacy and a right to their thoughts, preferences, interests, and so on, even ones that their partners might find upsetting or distressing if they knew. Going looking through their stuff violates that right, and you’re taking a high risk that you’re going to find something – or anything, really – that you’re not going to like but that won’t retroactively justify the snooping.
And honestly: if you’re at a point where you’re snooping into their stuff, you’re likely at a point where the relationship is into its final days, no matter what you find. Even if you find nothing to be upset over, the fact that you went looking means that you were expecting to find something, and the absence of evidence is often not taken as evidence of absence of wrong-doing. And if you do find something… well, now you get to live with what you now know.
Now in this case, your guy was sexting with other women. That’s a violation, especially of the commitment the two of you made to each other, and you’re feeling hurt. That pain is especially fresh right now, and I’m sure it’s also triggering the older pain of your past relationship, which is making things worse. I think that’s part of what’s hitting you right now; the memory of the older pain plus this fresh new one is what’s making you feel like “everything was a lie”. To be honest, I don’t believe that cheating is proof that someone is lying when they say they love you, nor that they want to make a relationship work. People are imperfect and flawed; they make mistakes, cause friction and hurt people they love without meaning to or negating everything else in the relationship. It’s part of being human. We’re all complicated and messy and nobody goes through life perfectly without making mistakes, errors in judgement or just plain fucking up. Those fuck ups don’t automatically negate everything that came before, just as not every mistake or fuckup is made with malice, intentional cruelty or deceit. People can make bad decisions without also being liars or manipulators.
That’s why I think making grand declarations like that isn’t helpful for anyone, especially if you harbor some sort of hope that you could work through this and come through to the other side.
And to be clear: people can and do work through and move past infidelities all the time. In many cases, they’ve found that this has actually strengthened their relationship because it forced both parties to actually confront underlying issues within their relationship and their commitment to one another that had gone unaddressed and unspoken.
But for people to work through the pain to healing and forgiveness, the first thing they have to do is answer a very simple but important question: is it possible for the cheater to earn the other person’s trust back? Or will this always be a pebble in their shoe and a burr in the middle of their back? Because if it isn’t, and then it’s not fair to anyone to try in the first place. If someone making a good faith effort to mend things and make things right is only going to have their past mistakes thrown back in their face, then it’s kinder to everyone to have as clean of a split as possible.
Which now brings us back to you and your situation, TB. Your guy says he doesn’t know why he does this. I doubt that’s 100% true; I sincerely doubt he is on Snapchat sending sexy videos to people and requesting them out of pure compulsion. He does it because he gets his rocks off. It’s possible that he doesn’t know why he does this even when he’s made a monogamous commitment – which would imply that he’s someone who shouldn’t be making said commitments in the first place – but it’s also just as possible that he’s saying whatever he thinks he needs to say to get you to take him back. Quite frankly, I think it’s the latter. I think that’s far more about his trying to make you less angry and more willing to let him try again. And if I’m being honest, I don’t think that’s helpful for him to do. If he honestly doesn’t know why – I mean, besides getting his rocks off – then he needs to be talking to a professional. But as it is, it sounds to me more like a way of not taking full responsibility, which is a vital part of being able to make a relationship work after a violation of trust like this.
I’m not going to adjudicate whether he’s sincere about trying to fix things, or even if he’d be able to if he is. I think it’s possible, even likely, he’s genuine about not wanting to lose you. But that’s not the same as “not knowing why” he does this. I think that’s still a dodge on his part.
What I am going to say is that I don’t think you should take him back. It doesn’t sound to me like he’s fully ready to actually take ownership and responsibility for what he did. I also think that you aren’t in a place where you would be able to take him back. I think that if you do, you’re going to be in the situation I mentioned: that you’re never going to fully trust him and always be on your guard, no matter what he does. And I think that would be unfair to everyone. As much as this hurts, I think this is a time when the kindest thing would be to recognize that this relationship isn’t going to work – especially not with the way that you’re feeling – and let this be the end of it.
What I do think you should do, is talk to someone about your trust issues and the heavy and complex feelings you’re carrying around. That, I think, should be a priority for you going forward, especially before you think of getting into another relationship. Until you address those issues, I think you’re going to have other strings of painful relationships that will only make things worse.
So my recommendation is two-fold. The first is to suggest that you talk to a counselor or therapist about your having a hard time trusting people. Working through those feelings is going to be important, especially when you want to be able to truly trust someone 100% in the future.
And as part of working on those issues, the second thing I would suggest is reading Esther Perel’s The State of Affairs. I don’t think it’ll change your mind about having been cheated on, but I think it might help bring a little more nuance and understanding to things, so that everything won’t feel so immense and overwhelming. Even if you disagree with every word she says – including “a”, “the” and “the” – and hurl it with great force out a window, I think it may at least help you find some peace and give yourself closure on your past relationships.
And hopefully, going forward, you’ll find someone special who is deserving of your trust and proves it, day after day.
Good luck.
Dear Dr. NerdLove:
I had an on again, off again marriage with an emotionally abusive and alcoholic man for 20 years. I divorced him 4 years ago, took him back a year later, he cheated last year and I was officially done. Never felt better or free-er than I ever have.
Reconnected with a high school friend who had a very similar back story.
We became very close friends. Talked all day every day for 2 months. He escalated it to more than friends and we dated for 3 months. He broke it off saying he wanted to go back to being friends because he doesn’t date people right out of relationships. He was really upset about ending it. During dating, we got very close. He opened up to me about so much. He was thoughtful and sweet. During the breakup talk, he said he found me attractive, enjoyed the sex, had the best fun he’s ever had with anyone but it wasn’t me, it was him. He was always caring towards me.
I told him I didn’t want to lose him and if that meant I only got to be his friend, I would take it but that I needed time. Do you think he just got cold feet? Or was I really just not enough for him and I should just give up hope already?
It’s been a week and haven’t really heard from him.
How Long Is Too Long?
I wish you had given me more information about how long it’d been since both of you had been seeing someone; it’s the sort of detail that would help give a better idea where this dude’s head is at. You mention that you dropped your ex last year, so I’m going to guess that it was somewhere between three to six months which, honestly, is not an unreasonable amount of time between ending things and dating someone else.
I’m also assuming that “I don’t date people right out of relationships” means that he doesn’t want to date other people who have only recently left a relationship, rather than “I don’t date people when I have recently left a relationship”; the phrasing’s a bit ambiguous and I could see a case being made in both directions.
However, I’m not sure the details matter that much because, at the end of the day, this is ultimately about him deciding that he doesn’t want to be in this relationship. To a certain extent, the reasoning isn’t important or helpful, simply because there’s not much you can do about it.
If he’s being sincere with his “it’s not you, it’s me” and is genuinely sorry that this is ending, then whatever rattled him was likely not something you could control or account for. It’s certainly possible to have tripped over a particular emotional landmine without ever knowing it was there. It could also be that he is worried that he would be a rebound for you (or that you’re one for him), that he worries that you’re not entirely over your ex yet or that you’re not in a space where you’d be ready or able to commit to a serious relationship, or vice versa. And in any of those cases… well, how do you “prove” to someone that they’re wrong, especially if they’re reacting to something that may be illogical or not even real?
If he’s not being sincere and is trying to be kind while he ends things… well, you probably don’t actually want to know. This is one of those times where the answer almost certainly wouldn’t make you happier or bring you peace; it would just end up being something that made you feel worse about yourself for no good reason. And if it was a case of something like “I rushed into this and I realized that I was rounding up attraction to romance” or “This relationship is more than I wanted from what we have”, then not only is there literally nothing you could have done, but it’ll just feel like a personal judgement on you, as though you had some control over how much or how strongly he felt.
And it’s always possible that he doesn’t know why. Not that he broke things off because he suddenly got a wild hair, but that the reason he gave is not the actual reason; it’s just the one that makes the most sense to him in that moment. A lot of times, we often don’t know the true reason why we chose to end a relationship until much later, when we’ve had more time and distance to get perspective on the matter. So while he wasn’t lying to you or misleading you, he wasn’t correct about it either.
But this is why I tell people that closure is something you have to give yourself; more often than not, the answers will either not bring you catharsis or satisfaction and often will only make you feel worse for no good reason. Better to decide for yourself what you will take away from this and move forward.
Now as to the second question: first of all, a week isn’t that long, especially when he’s made a sudden decision to end things and is off dealing with his own feels. It’s likely going to take time before he is ready to know what his next steps are. If you’re going to need time, then you have to accept that he is going to need time too.
However, I think you’re setting yourself up for disappointment and heartbreak if you’re expecting to go back to being friends right away. I know the urge is there to say “ok, we were friends before, we can be friends again”, but under the circumstances, this is far more likely to be part of you hoping to hold on until he realizes he’s made a mistake and wants to take you back. And that’s not a good place to be, for either of you.
I know you weren’t dating very long, but it takes time to get over a relationship, especially if the feelings were intense. Trying to force yourselves to be friends in the immediate aftermath tends to be more aspirational than practical; neither of you have had the time to come to terms with the end of the relationship, to process your feelings or to have a genuine opportunity to move on. A lot of times, if you’re going to be friends after the breakup, you need time apart. It’s hard to heal and process when you’re constantly reopening those wounds, after all.
As much as it hurts, I think you should resign yourself to not hearing back from him for a while and to work on your own recovery and healing. Focusing on your feelings – about him, about the breakup, about dating in general – and working towards healing the wound the breakup left behind is important. It takes time, energy and effort. If you’re putting that off as you wait with sandwiches by the phone for him to call… well, it means you take that much longer to actually start healing. Better to start the process now than to put it off and aggravate the wound with that false hope.
You were friends before. With time, you’ll be friends again. It won’t be the relationship you had before – not the friendship, nor the romance – but something new and different. But first, you have to give it time. Take that time and put it towards yourself; the sooner you do, the sooner the healing will begin. Then, when and if he is ready to try something new, you’ll be ready to meet him where you need to be.
Good luck.
