How Do I Feel More Confident In My Appearance?

Estimated reading time: 15 minutes

Dear Dr. NerdLove: I am not an ugly man, but my appearance is far from normal. Now, what I mean by that isn’t that I’m bald or overweight or anything, but if you’ve taken a look at college-age men these days, they tend to have a certain *look* about them. That curly hair, the same completely clean-shaven body, they’re all wearing the same damn athletic wear, it’s a type. And it’s the vast majority of em.

Unfortunately for myself, I do not fit that type. I’ve got long(ish, like halfway down my neck) hair, it’s red(which never helps) and a goatee. I would have a full beard, but genetics have decreed it only grows thickly around my chin and mouth, the rest is too scraggly. Otherwise, I’m a fairly hairy individual. My hands, arms, chest, everything is a veritable forest. Even on my feet, my friends say I have Hobbit feet for how much hair is on em. Now, I’m confident in my appearance. I like how I look, I wouldn’t want to change it, I think I look the best I can for my face and so forth. I stay groomed and hygienic, I always wash my hair, and so forth. But women just don’t dig it. I’ve tried dating apps, and I get like no likes. I’ve tried all sorts of profiles, I even have had my friend (who is a master of the stuff) make one, and nothing. No likes, not even matches, no likes. Clearly something is off. Not to mention no woman I’ve ever known has shown interest in me or (to my knowledge) been interested in me.

So, what do I do? I’m worried if I make a big change to my appearance, then it won’t reflect my personality and identity, and any woman who ends up coming on to me won’t be attracted to the real me. On the other hand, I’m a senior in college, and despite my best efforts, I’ve not had so much as a kiss in four years. It’s getting grim! What do I do?

Misty Mountain Man

A couple of things right off the bat, 3M. First: you say it yourself – you don’t know that people have or haven’t shown interest in you. Whether you would recognize when women signs of interest – or believe them if you did – is very different from them not happening.

You’re also working under the assumption that women who are attracted or interested in you are going to be overt about their interest or that they’re going to express it in some way that you would recognize when, quite frankly, many women have reasons to be cautious in how they behave or express interest in a stranger. A lot of signs that someone is interested in you tend to be subtle, especially if they don’t know you. If you’re looking for the sorts of behavior you might expect to see from the female lead in a romantic comedy, you may be looking for a long, long time… even when someone with a massive crush on you is standing right next to you. 

Second: You can’t rely on dating apps as an objective measure of anything other than your ability to craft a good dating profile, which is a skill in and of itself. What responses you do or don’t get aren’t measures of your looks, your desirability or the likelihood of anyone ever wanting to date you.

You have no idea who’s seen your profile, what about your profile that isn’t resonating with them or even if you just haven’t written it to appeal to the people looking for someone like you. Among the many things to keep in mind: there is a massive gender imbalance on most dating apps – up to 70/30 for men to women (with wiggle room for apps that include non-binary, agender and other options), which already limits the potential reach, while the algorithms that run those apps mean that you very well may be not showing up in people’s lists with any frequency. It’s best to think of dating apps like Candy Crush; you can try to push through and with determination you may get somewhere, but they’re designed to frustrate you until you shell out money to not be frustrated.   

In both cases, you’re making these assumptions based on how you feel about yourself, not on actual data or objective reality. You assume it’s true because it feels true. It makes sense to you because this is how you feel right now. That’s not the same thing as actually being true. And if you don’t know it’s true, you also don’t know that it’s not true – that is, you could very well be wrong about people not liking you. You could have more admirers than you realize, even if they don’t shout it from the rooftops. And since both could be equally true, so far as you know, you may as well believe and behave as though it is. Faking it until you make it works, in part because you’re hacking both your brain’s responses and your confirmation bias. Since you’re more likely to see what you expect to see and confirm what you already believe, you may as well believe in things that help you.

But let’s talk about your appearance and where you’re getting some things wrong. And we can start with the idea that you don’t look “normal”. You’re mistaking looking “normal” for “following the popular trends”. Those other gen-z dudes you mention and that “look” they seem to share? That, my guy, is just a fashion trend. The broccoli hair, the athleisure-wear, the lack of body hair is just what’s the latest popular trend. It’s the look that’s everywhere and being promoted as The Latest Hot Thing, so everyone is copying it. This is something that happens so consistently throughout human history that I’m honestly kind of surprised you never noticed it before. For some fun, go and ask your mom, aunts and elder millennial women in your life if they ever had “The Rachel” – nothing else just “The Rachel” and see what happens.

Hell, trawl through recordings, photos and videos of every decade – old MTV broadcasts are especially good snapshots of what was trendy between 1981 and 2017 – and you’ll notice lots of people wearing similar styles of clothes, similar hair and make-up and even body hair.

Yes, body hair. These go in and out of fashion, the same as everything else. For the 70s and 80s, hairy men were the thing, epitomized best by Burt Reynolds’ famous bear-rug photo. So were mustaches, power suits, slicked back hair and rampant cocaine addictions. In the 90s, men had hair drapes, high-top fades, oversized jeans and offensive graphic tees, questionable goatees and started waxing everything but their chests and forearms. In the 00s there were SO many chain wallets, fauxhawks, soul-patches, overly decorated jeans and graphic tees and dudes going as hairless as dolphins because trends in gay porn took over straight dudes ideas of what they were supposed to look like. In 5 years, people will look at the broccoli hair as cringe and some new look will have taken over. As Oscar Wilde once said: “fashion is merely a form of ugliness so absolutely unbearable that we have to alter it every six months!”

(Those of us who remember the days of Members Only jackets, Hammer pants, JNCO, raver-ware and Affliction and Ed Hardy are now pointing out that we don’t need to be lectured about the Old Magic…)

The fact that you don’t follow the trends, in and of themselves, is neutral to verging on good. Not in the sense of “don’t be a sheep, maaaaaan”, but in the sense of “there’s no point in trying to follow a trend that won’t look good on you”. Just as importantly, following your own style and look makes you stand out in a sea of near-identical dudes. Having your own sense of style and identity and being uniquely yourself is a good thing. Not only does this play well when it comes to developing attraction over time, but it also means that the people who are right for you are going to have a much easier time finding you. You want that. Being polarizing and standing out from the crowd is handy for a very simple reason: broad appeal is shallow appeal. This is why I tell people that you don’t want to be everyone’s cup of tea, you want to be a few people’s shot of whiskey; you don’t want a lot of folks who think you’re alright, you want a few people who crave you.

That’s a lot harder to find when you’re following the same trends as everyone else.

Now with that having been said, it sounds to me like you’re ultimately looking for a change. In fact, I suspect there’s a part of you that’s actively looking for permission and that part of you is warring with the side of you that says “this wouldn’t be the real me”. Except… it actually is the real you.

Nobody is going to think you’re lying to them about your identity if you decide to try a different hair style or shave, and they’re not going to feel betrayed if they find out you used to have a more dwarf/viking look. Hell, sometimes the contrast can work for you. Think of how people respond to dudes who look like Dave Bautista or Danny Trejo when they turn out to be sweet, softspoken guys, or some unassuming nerdy-looking dude takes off his glasses and reveals he’s got some serious basketball chops. Contrasts and playing with expectations can work in your favor and make you more interesting than others.

Changing up your style is a matter of self-expression; you’re choosing different aspects of yourself to highlight or bring forward, or even experimenting with who you could be.

And as it is, you’re already complaining that “people don’t like your look” so why not change it up a little? College is a time to experiment with different styles and presentations and ideas of who you are. You’re in a position where you have more flexibility and freedom to play around and find what works for you – considerably more than if you work in an office with a dress code or a customer-facing job that may have restrictions on things like facial hair, visible piercings or tattoos, hair length, etc.

There’re a lot of things you could try. You’re a hirsute man, but waxing and manscaping are options. Even if you don’t necessarily want to go smoother than a baby’s butt, you could still grab a body-hair trimmer (not a beard or head trimmer; your body hair is a different thickness and texture), set it to a one on the guard and tame the various thickets you’ve got going.

The same applies to your hair; you can try different cuts or styles without losing all the length but still staying true to the general look you want. You can also try different long cuts to keep the length but change up the overall look. You may find a new look that really works for you, or you may decide that this didn’t really click and go back to what you were doing before… or you may even find a hybrid style between the two. That’s the nice thing about stuff like beards and hair: the changes are rarely permanent. If you don’t like it… you can go back to what you had before (with time) or just say “screw it”, shave it all off and start over from scratch. God knows I’ve done that more than a few times in my life.

And to be perfectly honest: a simple haircut and beard trim can be transformational, as can changing up your wardrobe. You don’t need to abandon your sense of self, but you also don’t need to stick to something just because you’ve been doing it for a long time. Varying your look isn’t abandoning or betraying your “personality” and it’s not going to magically trick people into thinking that you’re actually someone diametrically opposed to you. It may, however, make people give you a second look, simply because you now look different from what they’re used to seeing.

And if they do act surprised or feel betrayed by discovering that you usually wear a beard and long hair, or you go to an aesthetician to keep your chest-thicket under control… well, that’s someone who probably doesn’t understand where Clark Kent goes when his glasses come off.

But more than anything else, your confidence in your appearance needs to come from within, not from other people’s expectations. As long as you’re coming to this from a position of needing other people’s vocal approval to feel comfortable in who you are, you’re never going to actually be secure in yourself. You’ll always be at the mercy at the tides of fashion and the whims of random people. Finding your true self, polishing it up and expressing it, regardless of whether it’s of the moment or not, is how you build confidence. That’s what people respond to, far more than whether you’re successfully matching whatever the latest look TikTok spawned.

Good luck.

I feel your pain, my guy. As I’ve gotten older – and various bars and restaurants have all decided that concrete floors, bare walls and unfinished ceilings are The Thing To Do – I’ve had similar issues with not being able to hear my friends over the ambient din of wherever we’re hanging out. I can hear whomever is right next to me and maybe directly across from me… but that’s often it.

You’re also not alone. A lot of people have similar issues with ambient noise in social venues and events and not being able to hear their friends or potential dates. And that’s before we get into issues people may have with audio-processing and the like.

But fortunately, there’re a few things you can do.

First, look into getting earplugs. Earplugs have gone beyond the neon-orange foam cones that you shove in your ears before the opening band takes the stage; many places make earplugs specifically for people like you, who have perfectly good hearing but can only make out one word in five in a noisy room. You want earplugs like the Loop Engage 2 or the EarHD from Flare . These, and others like them, are designed to cut down on ambient noise, while making it easier to hear conversation.

You might also consider earbuds like the Airpod Pro, which have been approved to serve as ersatz hearing aids. You can adjust the amount of ambient sound you hear via settings on the iPhone and turn on the Conversation Mode to make it easier to hear the people in front of you. You may have to get comfortable explaining that you’re using them as an adaptative device, but most folks will understand pretty quickly. And more than a few might be surprised they never thought of it themselves.

But the other thing you can do is say “Hey, I can barely hear you; mind if we step over here/outside where it’s a bit quieter?” I used to do this on the regular, back when I was spending a lot of time in noisy bars and clubs. This also had the added benefit of getting away from distractions, loud rowdy groups and frequently giving an opportunity to get a breath of fresh air.

You may also want to talk to the event organizers about the venue choice or the volume; that’s the sort of feedback that can be invaluable to the planners, if the event isn’t being put on by the venue itself.

The big thing, however, is that you don’t want to be afraid to say “Hey, I can’t really hear you over the noise”, especially at social events. There’s nothing wrong with acknowledging that the place may be too loud for both comfort or clarity.The whole point is to actually, y’know, socialize and that can’t happen if you can’t actually hear or understand what the other person is saying, without both of you shouting at the top of your lungs. Acknowledging the issue makes it a lot easier to invite them to find a quieter spot, or at least to understand that you’re not quite hearing what they have to say. 

Plus, you may find that a lot of the people you’re talking to feel the same way. And that means that you and they might decide that it’s time for you all to find a quieter place to hang out, away from the maddening crowds.

Good luck.